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Thursday, October 14, 2004
I set up a new blog for myself. Same blather, different layout, lol. http://www.folkjoy.blogspot.com I won't be posting at this one anymore. on Friday, September 17, 2004 I plan to start updating this regularly even though I don't have a computer in my apt. I'll try to keep stopping up at my dad's a few times a week. I've been majorly redoing my house. So far I've repainted the kitchen, my bedroom, the bedroom floor, the bathroom and I plan to start the living room walls and floor this weekend. My house looks disasterous now but I have high hopes of it looking marvelous once I get everything painted and put back in order. Jack has been helping me paint and pretty much finding things to do to stay out of my way since I've been painting non-stop. I'll start on his room after the living room is done. We haven't decided on colors yet for his room. I'll be having some of my artwork up at a local coffeehouse through the month of October. Here's a link to some of my work. MySullen Gallery Still writing furiously, but not online. Maybe I'll post some things over the next few weeks. I've filled an entire notebook during the last month and it saved my sanity. Since Melissa and I broke up and she moved out, I've been spending alot of time in contemplation. About the nature of relationships, of myself and the kind of life I want to lead. I'm glad I threw myself into my home and making it my own. I like the idea of living with just Jack. Of having my own space. It has helped me clear my head. I've been spending time with a new person in my life. He's been tremendously wonderful to me especially through these crazy i'm-mad-in-the-head weeks I've been going through. And he's also blogging now which is cool. :) You shall find him here-> My Honey Other than that I've been working more and sleeping less. :) And listening to alot of music while watching paint dry. lol on Friday, July 02, 2004 I cannot manage to update this blog enough. I'm just entrapped(gleefully) in my painting right now. I'm living day to day, me and Jack in the studio churning paint. I'm so glad Jack is interested in painting. He is most amazed by the mixing of colors, of the change a subtle dab of different hue with produce. I feel very whole and joyful being able to share my passion of creating with him. I've had no routine, no schedule, no day is the same as the next 'cept for paint. Jack's been taking alot of baths though, lol. I'm going to keep running with this moment stretched over weeks but soon enough I need to get myself on a path. I would like some organization in my home, I've left the slack of normal household operations on Melissa and I know its the cause of our tensions. We bicker and backlash through muttered spurts and silence. I'm having a hard time with the idea of commitment, my time forsaken for "the relationship". It's not fair, my self wrapped up within myself, to her. But I feel utterly unwilling to give more. More time, more preoccupation, more, more, more of myself to anyone but my son and I. I want not to have to explain my coming and goings. I want not to feel pulled toward home when my son is at his father's and my feet are pulling my out the door towards social settings. I want not to have to explain myself if I don't come to bed "on time" or if I feel like not talking all day. I have never been single or without the burden of someone needing to keep tabs on me. My time is so little mine now anyway, between mothering and work. The shards left between the two I want to belong to me. Without guilt or explanation. I'm selfish, I'm sure. It's more selfish to not let this be known and go on in a fashion of tense issues. I'm not emotionally needy, and it makes it so easy to walk within my bubble. So that's the luggage I'm bagging right now. The shadow of a paint brush poised in hand toward a canvas lit by sunstreaks. on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 Here's my tattoo:  on Monday, June 21, 2004 Just spent a week in Wisconsin visiting my mom and brother. My brother does not have cancer, which his doctor thought he had. We were obviously happy about that, but his doctor's are unsure about what he does have, so that's troubling. His enlistment in the Navy is postponed indefinatley until more tests come back. Things I noticed about Wisconsin: There are alot of cows(which seems obvious, being cheese country and all that, but still. They're everywhere.) Everyone has elaborate landscaping around their house. even the dumpy trailer parks are adorned. Cigarettes are CHEAP. Like half of what I pay here in NY. That was a bonus. Spending 13 hours driving was rough. Especially when our car broke down in Indiana on the way up. But I slept through a lot of it and Jack did too so I didn't have to entertain him much. I miss my mom already. Oh, and I got a tattoo while I was out there. I got the infinity circle pictured here. I want to get this Synergy one next. Then I'm going to get one that says, "dharma bum" on my back above my shoulder blades, and then the infinity sign, which is an 8 turned on its side. Better start saving my pennies. :) on Saturday, June 12, 2004 red cheeks hide beneath wavering hands. timid smiles shy at having to speak their poems off paper, out of themselves, into the world. i have grown fond and accomstomed now to speaking. our small groups in tiny rooms full of smoke, close company, and laughter. i appreciate the time afforded to each person, the finger snaps and claps and glowing eyes given to the poetspeaker who pours it all out into focus. on Tomorrow morning I leave for the long car trip to Wisconsin. My brother, Jack and I will be visting my mom and brother there. Its the first time I've been out there. It'll feel nice to see my mother's home. Her life, her creature comforts again. I have new step-sisters I've never met. I can't wait to see them. The knit of my family tightens over the years. My brothers and I all out of our teens, those years of alienated angst. I like the way we come together now. That pull of love and kinship. on Wednesday, June 09, 2004 Hot humid days. Jack's been naked for the last 2 days. We've been eating little besides chilled fresh fruit, veggies and hummus, yogurt, iced juice, cold pickle sandwiches. My floors are all powdery from the sand tracked in from the sandbox on the porch. Dante's been at my feet under my studio desk, basking in shade. Jack's been at the sink, playing water pistol with the hose. Last night was so balmy. Even with the fan I felt glued to mattress with mugginess. Today it rained. Started with the darkening of the afternoon, then the rumbles, then the pour. I'm waiting for Jessica to get out of work and then we'll get dressed all proper-like and bring strawberries and pears to her house. I hope to just lay around some more dishng with my best friend about our girlfriends. I imagine Jack will get her puzzles out to sort, and run around in socks on her spacious hardwood floors. My birthday is 6 days away. For the first time I'm not excited. I feel the turning of dys too quickly. Both guilty for my youth, but yearning for it too. I'll only be 24 but feel like I've been an adult too long. My stomach is rumbling. I'm going to slice Monterey Jack cheese and lay it thick on apple slices. on | ||
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